An Evening With Strapped F. Cash, Esteemed University Wallet

A scene that could be seen very soon at Lancaster University, if the student body were a single interviewer and those in charge of mispending university money were a collective, hive-minded wallet. Which, given the intelligence they've displayed in building the LICA building, they may well be.

Interviewer- Good Evening, Mr Cash. Thank you for joining us.

Strapped F. Cash- (rattles contentedly) Not at all. My pleasure.

I- If you don't mind we'll jump right in with the questions?
SFC- Of course.

I- First off, let me just ask how you're feeling. Are you well? You're not feeling depressed, hollow, empty are you?

SFC- Not at all. I feel full and fit as a fiddle, honest. There's plenty more where I came from.

I- Perhaps you could explain to us, then, how it is that so many things are unable to be paid for? Important things, like new department equipment to replace 19th century projectors, or rebuilding the current main road onto campus that's in slightly worse condition than when it was ploughed in 456 B.C. by the oncoming legion.


SFC- Well, I say that I'm full, and fine, which I am- I am, you know, there's no two bones about it- though I do have to be careful. I am aware that there are dozens of issues that need to be paid for and sorted, and we've tried to prioritise, and we'll get around to projects in their own time.

I- But there are many areas of the university that are in massive disrepair, and haven't got the crucial equipment they need to teach basic levels of their course. For example, library resources for arts and humanities subjects, printing subsidisation for the same courses, who could use it, rather than those in Management or Physics. We cannot afford to reapportion money to those who can use it?

SFC- Absolutely. We can plan,prioritise and then pay for things that are 100% necessary. Ask yourself, are library books necessary for arts and humanities? And printing for writers, do we need that? No. We can pay for essentials. What we cannot do is throw money around with reckless abandon. We haven't got unlimited money. I am not a money-bags, you know.

I- With all due respect, that's exactly what you are. Minus the pluralisation. So you saying there are some things that we simply cannot afford to risk paying for now, even though they are recognised as in immediate need? And yet, I put it to you that completely unessential expenses, such as making building project costs sky-rocket to get an entirely ugly but, according to you, more importantly green and eco-friendly building, are a waste of this budget that could esily stretch to cover the passed over departments.

SFC- Not at all. It's not a waste, we're not squandering. We've got unlimited money to spend wisely. No, really.

I- Sorry... A moment ago you mentioned that arts and humanities equipment was out of the question. Yet here you say you can waste money on an eco building? With, as you say, unlimited money we did not have before.

SFC- We do have unlimited money. Don't get me wrong.

Arts and Humanities- (from audience) Really? Really?

SFC- Well, not for you. For them, over there. (Points a bank note at Management and Impressed Government Green People) We have all the money in the world, for them.

I- So you will admit that you pick and choose what money gets spent on purely based on departments that are in the public eye, give you a huge revenue or on projects that give you a huge reputation for success with environmentalists before projects that deliver want students are paying for?

SFC- No. I won't admit to that.

I- Why not?

SFC- Because I don't want to say that that is what we are doing.

I- ... Er... Ahem. On that note, I think we should probably end. My thanks to Esteemed University Wallet Strapped F. Cash, to the audience, and to you. Good night.

(Lights down)

I- So, Mr Cash...

SFC- Leave me alone. You're a journalist hack, you. Stop trying to make me look bad!

I- You really think I have to do anything for that to happen?

SFC- I- I-! ... No...