Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Royal Mail? Or Ebenezer's Express Envelopes?
Alright folks. This blog has been in retirement, sat in it's nursing home, on the shelf, covered in dust (to mix metaphors... but not if some care companies have anything to do with it) for months.
Today, t's out for one last job (alright, it'll probably do more at some point, way to flog a dead thingamie). Maybe not the most exhilarating job, but today it is playing host to a video blog, VLOG, diary entry, annoyed performance (call it what you will) featuring yours truly. Which is a first, and, probably, a last. What can I say, I'm no Declan Spindler.
Anyway, without further ado, Grumpy Cold Biker Presents...
A little vid about Royal Mail. (Yeah, I'd turn off now too, if I were you).
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Breaking News: Londoners demand payment to continue as normal after bus and Tube drivers’ Olympic demands
Thousands of Londoners from dozens of professions are demanding cash bonuses and incentives to go about their days as per usual during the 2012 Olympic Games.
Parties including an impromptu union of caricature painters, an organisation representing commuters and a coalition of 126 memorabilia shop owners have all submitted written claims to the Mayor of London’s (MoL) office, with the ultimatum that without such incentives they will refuse to do as they usually do. These communiques with the MoL’s office swiftly follow on the heels of news that Transport for London (TFL) is negotiating with bus driver bosses who have asked for a £500 bonus on top of overtime pay for all drivers for the duration of the Games, similar to the deal the Tube bosses secured.
The different parties have submitted different reasons for their claims. Mickey King, 56, a caricature artist in residence at Leicester Square and one of the six heads of the Street Artist Alliance (SAA), believes all street artists are entitled to a bonus as they are a big tourist draw. He also argued “There’s one other reason, really, and that’s because there’ll be loads more foreigners wanting us to draw their faces. Been doing this thirty years, never been good with Asians, can’t get their eyes and hair right. And never got the hang of Italian or Spanish eyebrows, neither. So we’ll be working our arses off and either we get a bit more dosh or pack up. Then what’ll the tourists come to see? Eh?”
A statement from the Public Commuters’ Compensation Committee (PCCC), an online based organisation currently consisting of 350,000 members who all “use public transport or the capital’s roads or footpaths to get to and from their places of work”, detailed their reasons for the e-petition and letter submitted to the MoL’s office in a statement.
“In light of the vast number of extra bodies clogging London’s arteries during the games, many of whom will be unfamiliar with the area and therefore prone to stopping dead in front of the honest, hardworking commuters rushing to an important job and thereby causing an average of 4.5 minutes delay to each commuter every journey and eating substantially into their valuable time, we feel entitled to a sweetener. Us Londoners and commuters from beyond are more than happy to continue as we do in our solipsistic race, to keep London rammed full so the complete experience can be provided to all who come here, but we feel a need to be congratulated for our efforts. Otherwise, we’ll all avoid the City for the duration of the Games. Leaving the aside the untold dent in the economy that six weeks of 350,000 workers’ absence will cause, the most important thing is that the beloved Crush and Bustle will be gone, to the disappointment of many from abroad.”
Dan Briscoe, spokesperson for the “similarly named yet totally different” organisation of 348 members calling themselves the Compensation Committee of Public Commuters, explained that their petition for bonuses was based on different criteria.
“Funnily enough, everyone seems to have forgotten that just last November we were told that a 50-60% reduction in normal Tube traffic was needed at major stations just to fit the tourists and sports fans in. They estimated 30,000 of us were going to have to work from home. I’m the manager of a specialist supply store, and as with many others like me I can’t open up shop from my living room. If so many of us are going to have to avoid the city then we feel we need some payment to compensate,” Briscoe said.
He also offered his view of the rival organisation’s ability to get vastly more members. “They were all very attached to this sensible cause, but then the PCCC, splitters, they just took all our members and are campaigning to get paid to overload the transport system. Common sense seems to have gone for a burden.”
This sentiment was echoed by the 126 memorabilia shop owners united under the Union Jack Hat Coalition. A statement released to the press read “It seems perfectly clear that to get the best experience given to the tourists and Londoners alike our shops need to stay open. The vast amounts we’ll be raking in from our international cousins doesn’t quite cover the embarrassment we’d feel if we were passed over while everyone else got a big fat cheque. So we either get our money or stay closed for two months. Without even two normal months income our businesses will go under and London won’t have a tourist industry. So if we don’t get our bonuses because the Government say ‘no’, we’ll close up and die and by extension the Government will have killed its biggest inner city income. The Government’s silence is killing us.”
After responsibility for fuel crisis advice was last week delegated to other ministers so disastrously, both party leaders have decided to deal with the Union Jack Hat Coalition’s concerns themselves. In efforts to show their support for the industry, both parties stage press opportunities with memorabilia. Near Tower Bridge David Cameron and Nick Clegg purchased matching Union Flag hats with slogans, Cameron’s reading “Mind the Gap” and Clegg’s reading “Delays Likely”. Both also purchased t-shirts with the Queen’s face on.
“I’ll always wear this now,” said Clegg, posing for photographs. I never knew how good these look.”
Cameron, however, was insistent that he was very familiar with merchandise of that ilk.
“I’m in here all the time,” he told reporters. Shaking the shop owner’s hand, he claimed “I’m probably keeping Arnuk’s shop up single-handedly.”
The owner corrected Cameron, saying “Amal.”
“Yes,” Cameron replied, “Exactly. No, seriously, the last thing I bought is now my favourite mug. It has a bus on it. I have another with a crown-wearing bulldog.”
Opposition leader Ed Milliband, meanwhile, posed outside a Piccadilly Circus shop with a postcard showing Big Ben.
“It’s all I had change for,” he nodded earnestly, “but I do love it. So much, I’m not even going to send it. Especially not with stamp prices what they are.”
Asked about the amount of claims for bonuses and incentives coming in from Londoners, Mayoral Candidate Ken Livingstone refused to comment other than to call it “utter, greedy bollocks.”
Mayor Boris Johnson, running for re-election, similarly deemed it “a lot of nonsense. I’m not getting a bonus, and I had to stand fast in front of thousands of people and television cameras and wave an utterly too large flag. Why should Johnny Underclass ransom off normality?”
Pressed for an answer on whether anyone deserves a bonus for increased workload during the Games, Johnson deviated.
“Holy Hell, that’s it. If I don’t get a bonus too I’m turning off the computer operating the Me Bikes.” He pointed to a large red button visible through the window to his office. “Hit that and kablooee, wallop, poof! No one will get to use these marvellous machines. Utter phooey.”
Meanwhile, Home Secretary Theresa May has made no comment on the possibility of giving two crisp £50 notes to each tourist on entry to the UK in what is believed to be a leaked scheme proposed to the cabinet. The scheme is allegedly being considered to reward attendance to an international event they would otherwise have no interest in.
Parties including an impromptu union of caricature painters, an organisation representing commuters and a coalition of 126 memorabilia shop owners have all submitted written claims to the Mayor of London’s (MoL) office, with the ultimatum that without such incentives they will refuse to do as they usually do. These communiques with the MoL’s office swiftly follow on the heels of news that Transport for London (TFL) is negotiating with bus driver bosses who have asked for a £500 bonus on top of overtime pay for all drivers for the duration of the Games, similar to the deal the Tube bosses secured.
The different parties have submitted different reasons for their claims. Mickey King, 56, a caricature artist in residence at Leicester Square and one of the six heads of the Street Artist Alliance (SAA), believes all street artists are entitled to a bonus as they are a big tourist draw. He also argued “There’s one other reason, really, and that’s because there’ll be loads more foreigners wanting us to draw their faces. Been doing this thirty years, never been good with Asians, can’t get their eyes and hair right. And never got the hang of Italian or Spanish eyebrows, neither. So we’ll be working our arses off and either we get a bit more dosh or pack up. Then what’ll the tourists come to see? Eh?”
A statement from the Public Commuters’ Compensation Committee (PCCC), an online based organisation currently consisting of 350,000 members who all “use public transport or the capital’s roads or footpaths to get to and from their places of work”, detailed their reasons for the e-petition and letter submitted to the MoL’s office in a statement.
“In light of the vast number of extra bodies clogging London’s arteries during the games, many of whom will be unfamiliar with the area and therefore prone to stopping dead in front of the honest, hardworking commuters rushing to an important job and thereby causing an average of 4.5 minutes delay to each commuter every journey and eating substantially into their valuable time, we feel entitled to a sweetener. Us Londoners and commuters from beyond are more than happy to continue as we do in our solipsistic race, to keep London rammed full so the complete experience can be provided to all who come here, but we feel a need to be congratulated for our efforts. Otherwise, we’ll all avoid the City for the duration of the Games. Leaving the aside the untold dent in the economy that six weeks of 350,000 workers’ absence will cause, the most important thing is that the beloved Crush and Bustle will be gone, to the disappointment of many from abroad.”
Dan Briscoe, spokesperson for the “similarly named yet totally different” organisation of 348 members calling themselves the Compensation Committee of Public Commuters, explained that their petition for bonuses was based on different criteria.
“Funnily enough, everyone seems to have forgotten that just last November we were told that a 50-60% reduction in normal Tube traffic was needed at major stations just to fit the tourists and sports fans in. They estimated 30,000 of us were going to have to work from home. I’m the manager of a specialist supply store, and as with many others like me I can’t open up shop from my living room. If so many of us are going to have to avoid the city then we feel we need some payment to compensate,” Briscoe said.
He also offered his view of the rival organisation’s ability to get vastly more members. “They were all very attached to this sensible cause, but then the PCCC, splitters, they just took all our members and are campaigning to get paid to overload the transport system. Common sense seems to have gone for a burden.”
This sentiment was echoed by the 126 memorabilia shop owners united under the Union Jack Hat Coalition. A statement released to the press read “It seems perfectly clear that to get the best experience given to the tourists and Londoners alike our shops need to stay open. The vast amounts we’ll be raking in from our international cousins doesn’t quite cover the embarrassment we’d feel if we were passed over while everyone else got a big fat cheque. So we either get our money or stay closed for two months. Without even two normal months income our businesses will go under and London won’t have a tourist industry. So if we don’t get our bonuses because the Government say ‘no’, we’ll close up and die and by extension the Government will have killed its biggest inner city income. The Government’s silence is killing us.”
After responsibility for fuel crisis advice was last week delegated to other ministers so disastrously, both party leaders have decided to deal with the Union Jack Hat Coalition’s concerns themselves. In efforts to show their support for the industry, both parties stage press opportunities with memorabilia. Near Tower Bridge David Cameron and Nick Clegg purchased matching Union Flag hats with slogans, Cameron’s reading “Mind the Gap” and Clegg’s reading “Delays Likely”. Both also purchased t-shirts with the Queen’s face on.
“I’ll always wear this now,” said Clegg, posing for photographs. I never knew how good these look.”
Cameron, however, was insistent that he was very familiar with merchandise of that ilk.
“I’m in here all the time,” he told reporters. Shaking the shop owner’s hand, he claimed “I’m probably keeping Arnuk’s shop up single-handedly.”
The owner corrected Cameron, saying “Amal.”
“Yes,” Cameron replied, “Exactly. No, seriously, the last thing I bought is now my favourite mug. It has a bus on it. I have another with a crown-wearing bulldog.”
Opposition leader Ed Milliband, meanwhile, posed outside a Piccadilly Circus shop with a postcard showing Big Ben.
“It’s all I had change for,” he nodded earnestly, “but I do love it. So much, I’m not even going to send it. Especially not with stamp prices what they are.”
Asked about the amount of claims for bonuses and incentives coming in from Londoners, Mayoral Candidate Ken Livingstone refused to comment other than to call it “utter, greedy bollocks.”
Mayor Boris Johnson, running for re-election, similarly deemed it “a lot of nonsense. I’m not getting a bonus, and I had to stand fast in front of thousands of people and television cameras and wave an utterly too large flag. Why should Johnny Underclass ransom off normality?”
Pressed for an answer on whether anyone deserves a bonus for increased workload during the Games, Johnson deviated.
“Holy Hell, that’s it. If I don’t get a bonus too I’m turning off the computer operating the Me Bikes.” He pointed to a large red button visible through the window to his office. “Hit that and kablooee, wallop, poof! No one will get to use these marvellous machines. Utter phooey.”
Meanwhile, Home Secretary Theresa May has made no comment on the possibility of giving two crisp £50 notes to each tourist on entry to the UK in what is believed to be a leaked scheme proposed to the cabinet. The scheme is allegedly being considered to reward attendance to an international event they would otherwise have no interest in.
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Passing Comment- Why does this impossibly good fortune fall at *my* feet?
Samantha Brick.
I'd never heard of her until this afternoon. The internet is now aflame with withering commentary from everyone, ever, on some god-awful clap-trap she spewed onto a keyboard. It's become a sort of Doctor-Appointment-Gate or Semen-Theft-Gate a la Liz Jones. And it all hinges on a lady who, frankly, looks pretty enough but not knock-out stunning having issues with people being nice to her and donating to the great cause of Mme Brick's Life Of Funnery by paying for things for her, buying her wine, and generally be incredibly rude and nasty by being nice.
NB- it mentions in the article that her husband is French. Hence calling her Mme not Ms/ Miss/ Mrs/ Evil Queen, fairest of them all.
I'd never heard of her until this afternoon. The internet is now aflame with withering commentary from everyone, ever, on some god-awful clap-trap she spewed onto a keyboard. It's become a sort of Doctor-Appointment-Gate or Semen-Theft-Gate a la Liz Jones. And it all hinges on a lady who, frankly, looks pretty enough but not knock-out stunning having issues with people being nice to her and donating to the great cause of Mme Brick's Life Of Funnery by paying for things for her, buying her wine, and generally be incredibly rude and nasty by being nice.
NB- it mentions in the article that her husband is French. Hence calling her Mme not Ms/ Miss/ Mrs/ Evil Queen, fairest of them all.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Twitter says this is totally a thing: the You Are The Reason hashtag
So, Twitter says this is totally a thing- a very popular trending hashtag, You Are The Reason... (insert banal experiences here). And in keeping with the custom now of pouring out any fleeting thought or opinion, no matter how private, people have been pouring all and any into the toilet of human condition. I think the idea of this particular hashtag is that it lets people vent publicly, or pour out their hearts to certain people, or act as a sort of confessional. The problem being that as a confessional it's about as leak proof as using a colander for a submarine; the sentiment to others, while genuinely nice, probably means bugger all to anyone else so such a public airing seems weird; and in getting vocal about the things that really grind your gears online, especially in such a concise manner as 140 characters, things might get lost in translation and you'll unwittingly or wittingly come across as someone you're not.
As Mr Charlie Brooker so brilliantly put it in a recent CiF piece for The Guardian this week, "Online, you play at being yourself". You might be a grumpy person in real life, like I am. That might extrapolate as the only feature of personality through comments online, as it sometimes does for me. At the same time, wildly exaggerated comedy anger vented through this hashtag might be picked up on as hilarious or banal, when you're neither or both in small parts.
And yes, I understand the irony/ hypocrisy of passing any comment on an online occurance by creating a larger version of those tip-tap-typings that inspire such resignation and grumpiness. But it's my blog, so I'll do what the hell I want. It isn't that I abhore change. I just want the things that people talk about, whichever way they choose to do so, to have quality, be necessary and interesting enough to abide. The same qualities I expect from people's conversation- people can be exceptionally verbose about naff all. And I'm right, so there.
So here's to you, internet- #youarethereason I despair that perhaps twenty years down the line we won't speak to each other any more, just laugh, chuckle, sigh, smile knowingly, all in relation to the ridiculous if prolific spoutings we pin to the world's biggest, most dog-foul rooted lamppost and expect anyone to care about.
As Mr Charlie Brooker so brilliantly put it in a recent CiF piece for The Guardian this week, "Online, you play at being yourself". You might be a grumpy person in real life, like I am. That might extrapolate as the only feature of personality through comments online, as it sometimes does for me. At the same time, wildly exaggerated comedy anger vented through this hashtag might be picked up on as hilarious or banal, when you're neither or both in small parts.
And yes, I understand the irony/ hypocrisy of passing any comment on an online occurance by creating a larger version of those tip-tap-typings that inspire such resignation and grumpiness. But it's my blog, so I'll do what the hell I want. It isn't that I abhore change. I just want the things that people talk about, whichever way they choose to do so, to have quality, be necessary and interesting enough to abide. The same qualities I expect from people's conversation- people can be exceptionally verbose about naff all. And I'm right, so there.
So here's to you, internet- #youarethereason I despair that perhaps twenty years down the line we won't speak to each other any more, just laugh, chuckle, sigh, smile knowingly, all in relation to the ridiculous if prolific spoutings we pin to the world's biggest, most dog-foul rooted lamppost and expect anyone to care about.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Graphic Novel Review- Catwoman: Crime Pays
Sticking with the powerhouses, this week we're with DC, and a graphic novel collected from Catwoman issues from a few years ago- Catwoman: Crime Pays, written by Will Pfeifer, pencilled by David and Alvaro Lopez, and coloured by Jeromy Cox.
Selina Kyle's having a bad day. She's shipped her daughter off, with the help of a mystery financial backer (guess who, he has a mansion and Bat-everything), to stay out of harm's way. Then her flat blew up, and she escaped half-Catwoman-ified, half barefoot, maskless, terrified. To make matters worse, whoever it is knows about her enough to take the back-up suit and mask stored in a place she told no-one about. She's tried to be a mum, to balance who she is, and in the opening pages all of this has happened, leading her to cut her hair short and take her counterpart's suit. She's back, and angry.
Selina Kyle's having a bad day. She's shipped her daughter off, with the help of a mystery financial backer (guess who, he has a mansion and Bat-everything), to stay out of harm's way. Then her flat blew up, and she escaped half-Catwoman-ified, half barefoot, maskless, terrified. To make matters worse, whoever it is knows about her enough to take the back-up suit and mask stored in a place she told no-one about. She's tried to be a mum, to balance who she is, and in the opening pages all of this has happened, leading her to cut her hair short and take her counterpart's suit. She's back, and angry.
Monday, 23 January 2012
Twitter says this is totally a thing: Zombie Poetry
Okay, so, Twitter says this is totally a thing- Zombie poetry. It was trending on the social networking site and one of the publishers I follow- I forget which, but I think it might have been Random House- was asking for suggestions of famous poems re-hashed for the zombie age. Which got me thinking, after firing off a couple of tweets in reply with off the cuff couplets. So.
Here are my first two offerings to the great altar of undead verse, not originals, but re-workings in the vein of Pride & Prejudice & Zombies and Sense & Sensibilities & Sea Monsters- Be glad your nose is on your face, adapted from the Jack Prelutsky poem of the same name, and Oh, Zombie on a dais, a riff on Shelley's Ozymandias. Feel free to read them, rip them apart with a couple of chainsaws strapped to a canoe paddle, and throw the offal-shaped criticism and opinion my way. Ta.
Here are my first two offerings to the great altar of undead verse, not originals, but re-workings in the vein of Pride & Prejudice & Zombies and Sense & Sensibilities & Sea Monsters- Be glad your nose is on your face, adapted from the Jack Prelutsky poem of the same name, and Oh, Zombie on a dais, a riff on Shelley's Ozymandias. Feel free to read them, rip them apart with a couple of chainsaws strapped to a canoe paddle, and throw the offal-shaped criticism and opinion my way. Ta.
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Passing Comment- 'Corrie' complainers to feel the back of my hand
I would like to say that I have a lot to say about this issue, and that my first reaction to the story that cropped up on my Yahoo! news feed was eloquent, succinct and profound. Unfortunately I can't say that as it isn't true- reading the story, my first reaction was "Oh, fuck off!"
Before we go any further, for anyone who missed the soap's Monday night episode or (like me) doesn't watch Coronation Street, this is what is causing such kerfuffle. A single soap-star slap on a ten-year-old character's legs in retribution for killing the pet fish.
Before we go any further, for anyone who missed the soap's Monday night episode or (like me) doesn't watch Coronation Street, this is what is causing such kerfuffle. A single soap-star slap on a ten-year-old character's legs in retribution for killing the pet fish.
Graphic Novel Review- Iron Man: Demon in a Bottle.
This week, to get back into the Marvel powerhouse and take a look at a storyline the internet and fans alike seem to agree has to be read if you're a fan, we're looking at Iron Man: Demon In A Bottle, written by David Michelinie and Bob Layton, pencilled by John Romita Jr with Carmine Infantino.
It's not a bad story, establishing Stark as a businessman worried about his company and his private life as an Avenger and hero, but the fact that it's not a bad story doesn't really weigh against everything else.
It's not a bad story, establishing Stark as a businessman worried about his company and his private life as an Avenger and hero, but the fact that it's not a bad story doesn't really weigh against everything else.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Passing Comment- Antony Worzel Thompson-gate
Or how the dwarfs delved too greedily, and too deep.
Here's Television chef Mr Worrell Thompson.
He caused kerfuffle over Christmas by shoplifting goods from his local Tesco with the ingenious plan of not swiping them at the self-service machines. He then released an apology, saying- "I am not the first, and I certainly won't be the last person to do something without rhyme or reason". According to the Metro he said "'I've been racking my brains to think why on earth did I do it and what was going through my mind at the time, but I just don't know.'"
Here's Television chef Mr Worrell Thompson.
He caused kerfuffle over Christmas by shoplifting goods from his local Tesco with the ingenious plan of not swiping them at the self-service machines. He then released an apology, saying- "I am not the first, and I certainly won't be the last person to do something without rhyme or reason". According to the Metro he said "'I've been racking my brains to think why on earth did I do it and what was going through my mind at the time, but I just don't know.'"
Graphic Novel Review- Sandman Vol.4 Season of Mists
Sticking with Vertigo this week, to give the Marvel and DC powerhouses a rest, and again because Stevenage Library has a shockingly poor selection in its graphic novel section shelf. Not to say the odd gem isn't there- it just means that dipping in and out of series, normally habit of mine, is now enforced, and I have to start in the middle with most things. As I have here, with Volume 4 of Neil Gaiman's The Sandman series, Season of Mists. I picked it up with a little trepidation and annoyed that I couldn't start with the other three, but it is a great largely self-contained volume so I needn't have worried.
My sole exposure to The Sandman has been people continuously pointing out ho much some rather half-formed ideas and short stories I worked on at university held similarity to it, something I resented at the time, firstly as I had never read the series and despite or because of saying as much people didn't seem to believe I wasn't plagiarising and secondly because I knew enough people were saying it for it to be true and to have completely ruined any chance of what I was writing standing up to comparison. I wasn't wrong, and neither were they.
Monday, 9 January 2012
Back with a vengeance
This post's title refers to two things- the first is the activity of this blog, which as Gandalf Greyhame might say on entering unto it, "is somewhat lessened of late"; the second is the all-consuming, omniscient latching-on capabilities of Hell's Eyeballs, formally known as Facebook. Recent developments, changes and releases have changed the site. As users for many years, the vast majority of us shouldn't be and probably aren't alarmed or even surprised that these changes have taken effect. And why should we be? The site has been undergoing unannounced changes since it's popularity made it what it is, and it's not as if the Timeline feature wasn't announced. But should we worry? It's now possible, for the first time ever, to stalk people more effectively than ever before.
If you want to know anything about that girl you've watched from behind your cubicle partition in the office, that man who's always been cooler than you to the point where you've not plucked up the courage to be his mate or your current/ex- girlfriend/boss depending on where your intimacy boundaries lie in the workplace, you can.
Introducing new Timeline, the all-new system from Facebook!
If you want to know anything about that girl you've watched from behind your cubicle partition in the office, that man who's always been cooler than you to the point where you've not plucked up the courage to be his mate or your current/ex- girlfriend/boss depending on where your intimacy boundaries lie in the workplace, you can.
Introducing new Timeline, the all-new system from Facebook!
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