Breaking News: Londoners demand payment to continue as normal after bus and Tube drivers’ Olympic demands

Thousands of Londoners from dozens of professions are demanding cash bonuses and incentives to go about their days as per usual during the 2012 Olympic Games.

Parties including an impromptu union of caricature painters, an organisation representing commuters and a coalition of 126 memorabilia shop owners have all submitted written claims to the Mayor of London’s (MoL) office, with the ultimatum that without such incentives they will refuse to do as they usually do. These communiques with the MoL’s office swiftly follow on the heels of news that Transport for London (TFL) is negotiating with bus driver bosses who have asked for a £500 bonus on top of overtime pay for all drivers for the duration of the Games, similar to the deal the Tube bosses secured.

The different parties have submitted different reasons for their claims. Mickey King, 56, a caricature artist in residence at Leicester Square and one of the six heads of the Street Artist Alliance (SAA), believes all street artists are entitled to a bonus as they are a big tourist draw. He also argued “There’s one other reason, really, and that’s because there’ll be loads more foreigners wanting us to draw their faces. Been doing this thirty years, never been good with Asians, can’t get their eyes and hair right. And never got the hang of Italian or Spanish eyebrows, neither. So we’ll be working our arses off and either we get a bit more dosh or pack up. Then what’ll the tourists come to see? Eh?”

A statement from the Public Commuters’ Compensation Committee (PCCC), an online based organisation currently consisting of 350,000 members who all “use public transport or the capital’s roads or footpaths to get to and from their places of work”, detailed their reasons for the e-petition and letter submitted to the MoL’s office in a statement.

“In light of the vast number of extra bodies clogging London’s arteries during the games, many of whom will be unfamiliar with the area and therefore prone to stopping dead in front of the honest, hardworking commuters rushing to an important job and thereby causing an average of 4.5 minutes delay to each commuter every journey and eating substantially into their valuable time, we feel entitled to a sweetener. Us Londoners and commuters from beyond are more than happy to continue as we do in our solipsistic race, to keep London rammed full so the complete experience can be provided to all who come here, but we feel a need to be congratulated for our efforts. Otherwise, we’ll all avoid the City for the duration of the Games. Leaving the aside the untold dent in the economy that six weeks of 350,000 workers’ absence will cause, the most important thing is that the beloved Crush and Bustle will be gone, to the disappointment of many from abroad.”

Dan Briscoe, spokesperson for the “similarly named yet totally different” organisation of 348 members calling themselves the Compensation Committee of Public Commuters, explained that their petition for bonuses was based on different criteria.

“Funnily enough, everyone seems to have forgotten that just last November we were told that a 50-60% reduction in normal Tube traffic was needed at major stations just to fit the tourists and sports fans in. They estimated 30,000 of us were going to have to work from home. I’m the manager of a specialist supply store, and as with many others like me I can’t open up shop from my living room. If so many of us are going to have to avoid the city then we feel we need some payment to compensate,” Briscoe said.

He also offered his view of the rival organisation’s ability to get vastly more members. “They were all very attached to this sensible cause, but then the PCCC, splitters, they just took all our members and are campaigning to get paid to overload the transport system. Common sense seems to have gone for a burden.”

This sentiment was echoed by the 126 memorabilia shop owners united under the Union Jack Hat Coalition. A statement released to the press read “It seems perfectly clear that to get the best experience given to the tourists and Londoners alike our shops need to stay open. The vast amounts we’ll be raking in from our international cousins doesn’t quite cover the embarrassment we’d feel if we were passed over while everyone else got a big fat cheque. So we either get our money or stay closed for two months. Without even two normal months income our businesses will go under and London won’t have a tourist industry. So if we don’t get our bonuses because the Government say ‘no’, we’ll close up and die and by extension the Government will have killed its biggest inner city income. The Government’s silence is killing us.”

After responsibility for fuel crisis advice was last week delegated to other ministers so disastrously, both party leaders have decided to deal with the Union Jack Hat Coalition’s concerns themselves. In efforts to show their support for the industry, both parties stage press opportunities with memorabilia. Near Tower Bridge David Cameron and Nick Clegg purchased matching Union Flag hats with slogans, Cameron’s reading “Mind the Gap” and Clegg’s reading “Delays Likely”. Both also purchased t-shirts with the Queen’s face on.

“I’ll always wear this now,” said Clegg, posing for photographs. I never knew how good these look.”

Cameron, however, was insistent that he was very familiar with merchandise of that ilk.

“I’m in here all the time,” he told reporters. Shaking the shop owner’s hand, he claimed “I’m probably keeping Arnuk’s shop up single-handedly.”

The owner corrected Cameron, saying “Amal.”

“Yes,” Cameron replied, “Exactly. No, seriously, the last thing I bought is now my favourite mug. It has a bus on it. I have another with a crown-wearing bulldog.”

Opposition leader Ed Milliband, meanwhile, posed outside a Piccadilly Circus shop with a postcard showing Big Ben.

“It’s all I had change for,” he nodded earnestly, “but I do love it. So much, I’m not even going to send it. Especially not with stamp prices what they are.”

Asked about the amount of claims for bonuses and incentives coming in from Londoners, Mayoral Candidate Ken Livingstone refused to comment other than to call it “utter, greedy bollocks.”

Mayor Boris Johnson, running for re-election, similarly deemed it “a lot of nonsense. I’m not getting a bonus, and I had to stand fast in front of thousands of people and television cameras and wave an utterly too large flag. Why should Johnny Underclass ransom off normality?”

Pressed for an answer on whether anyone deserves a bonus for increased workload during the Games, Johnson deviated.

“Holy Hell, that’s it. If I don’t get a bonus too I’m turning off the computer operating the Me Bikes.” He pointed to a large red button visible through the window to his office. “Hit that and kablooee, wallop, poof! No one will get to use these marvellous machines. Utter phooey.”

Meanwhile, Home Secretary Theresa May has made no comment on the possibility of giving two crisp £50 notes to each tourist on entry to the UK in what is believed to be a leaked scheme proposed to the cabinet. The scheme is allegedly being considered to reward attendance to an international event they would otherwise have no interest in.

Passing Comment- Why does this impossibly good fortune fall at *my* feet?

Samantha Brick.

I'd never heard of her until this afternoon. The internet is now aflame with withering commentary from everyone, ever, on some god-awful clap-trap she spewed onto a keyboard. It's become a sort of Doctor-Appointment-Gate or Semen-Theft-Gate a la Liz Jones. And it all hinges on a lady who, frankly, looks pretty enough but not knock-out stunning having issues with people being nice to her and donating to the great cause of Mme Brick's Life Of Funnery by paying for things for her, buying her wine, and generally be incredibly rude and nasty by being nice.

NB- it mentions in the article that her husband is French. Hence calling her Mme not Ms/ Miss/ Mrs/ Evil Queen, fairest of them all.